Am I a Ni$&a in your head?

I often wonder if I should date outside my race. Whether or not I would have better luck with something new. Not to say that I do not love my black brothers. There is no one like them….literally. But it is still a thought because I am approached more often than not by men who do not look like me. After watching an episode of one of my favorite shows, Insecure, I quickly came to the explicit conclusion that I can’t do it without thinking about the question, “Am I a Ni$&a in your head?” I mean, I think it’s an honest question. If we get into an argument about race, will he take my side or try and explain the incident away? If I am faced with a racially charged situation, will he subconsciously blame me for not handling the situation the way he would? These are things that scares me from being open minded. These are the things that, especially during such treacherous times that black people who would otherwise be open to this type of dating, are now second guessing those decisions. I am not saying that all people are the same. By no means am I staying that. But I am stating that we have fears that most other races do not. We are the only race who are on sight judged in one way or another by almost every other race in the world. Is that fair? Not really, but it is a fact that we cannot get away from.

So, my fear of dating outside of my race is legitimate I think. There are so many times I want to say sure, why not, but then that little person on my shoulder taps me and says, be careful. But when you think about it, I have to be careful with my own brothers. They too mishandle black women and do not cherish them the way they should. I have had more than my share of bad luck with black men and have been playing Russian roulette with my life by serial dating. So should I open my mind and my heart up a little more and give other races a chance. This is a true struggle for me and this struggle have left me dateless many a Weekend.

I even listened in on a conversation that some students were having. It pained me to hear them talk about their struggles as black young women. How they are viewed and depicted in this cruel sometimes close minded world. How they feel they must constantly defend their blackness and fight to be accepted by the masses.

I do not want to have to defend myself within my love life. That would be awful and unnecessarily stressful. Why invite that type of uproar into my life? The answer is that I am now consciously deciding to date intentionally. With that intention, the next man that I allow into my orbit must not only check all the boxes, but must also check those that doesn’t exist. Black or white he must be mindful of my heart and ready for the challenge of intertwining a future where we can continue on the journey of building an empire.

So is now the time to bite the imaginary bullet? I think that answer will come with whatever my fate has in store. I will take baby steps and allow whatever comes with an open mind.

I really hope he is ready!!

Master Cosmetologist, Health and Beauty consultant, author. Just doing all the things I have a passion about, unapologetically, boldly and with a little splash of love.


  • Brandy Giles

    I was SO GLAD when I saw the date on this, I was like excuse me? My friend Shani and I actually had a really interesting conversation about this earlier today. I am used to being one of the few black people in a space, and with that I have always felt the burden or need to be a good “representative” of my race. If I did marry outside of my race, is that a feeling that would carry into my relationship? Being black in the US is such a unique experience, would being married to someone who doesn’t understand that experience be frustrating? I truly don’t know! I do know that I have seen many who have done it successfully so I will remain optimistic and openminded.

  • Nellie

    Thank you for sharing these thoughts and feelings about your dating journey. If you don’t my me giving my opinion, pray about your next partner. Stop trying to do it on your own. God is there to guide your steps, He has an amazing plan for your future. Love you sweetie xoxoxo

  • Yolanda

    Well written and always thought provoking. More questions than answers on this dating game.

    • So tired of all the questions to be honest. Why can’t this dating thing be easier? Everyone deserves love. I just wish it was easier to achieve.

Tell us about your Hairellacarte experience

%d bloggers like this: