Growth: 25 years in the making

It takes quite some time for someone to realize what they have lost. For some people it takes a drastic occurrence for them to stop and say “Whoa, did I really do all of that to that person”? Well, I am here to tell you, that I witnessed this “Ah Hah” moment first hand. I looked into the eyes of my ex-husband and saw him come to the realization that losing me was also losing a piece of himself. As we left the judge’s chambers and stood by that very public elevator, I watched this big strong man break down and cry. I finally got what I needed to hear all of these years. He was apologizing for all of his transgressions. Taking responsibility for all of his wrongs. Wanting to make things right. Wanting our yesterdays back. Wanting to start again and forget that he had ever hurt me, betray me, take advantage of me. Thinking that he had a hundred tomorrows to make up for what we could never get back.

            “I won’t be neglected,

              I won’t be denied,

              The pleasures of your kisses,

              The pleasures of your smile,

              I think you take for granted,

              That I’ll always be here,

              Just because I love you,

              Doesn’t mean I won’t disappear,        

              Been so long, Missing you baby,

              Been sooooooo long”

I would sing this to my ex-husband on a regular basis. Thanks to Anita Baker and her beautiful, on point lyrics. I knew there would come a day when I decided to disappear and it happened. I now know that my ex never believed that it would. He didn’t think that I would get fed up and tired of hearing, “I’m sorry”. Now that he knows what my limit was, he is really sorry. He saw our twenty-four-year marriage go up in smoke, but he is taking responsibility for his actions. He has said sorry for the last time for old baggage because I have forgiven him and promised to never bring up to him anything that he has ever done to hurt me.  I am thankful. So grateful to see the growth in this man that I have loved most of my life. It took us a long time to make our ending official but this was the process we had to go through. I am thankful that we have both seen so much and came out standing. Thankful that I have a forgiving heart and can walk away from this ending with a smile on my face and peace in my head and heart. Thankful that I can look at my ex and not feel disdain. Thankful that I have grown up enough to know that just because you didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that the love is gone and you have to become enemies. Thankful that he made sure to teach me what I will not tolerate ever again in a relationship. Every experience is a learning experience and I thank him for teaching me so much about myself. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know for sure that I am a better, stronger more well-rounded person than I was before our marriage. Now that it has ended, I am grateful that I am not so deeply scarred that my longing for love and to be loved has been erased from my desires. I will continue to wait on my blessings and be patient for love to pounce on me once again.